Dear no one
I remember after he died that there was this horrible sort
of emptiness.
The kind that belonged in the dark,
In the deepest depths of your personal abyss,
The kind you try and keep hidden away,
The kind that no one liked to admit they carry on their
shoulders even when they’ve fallen to their knees.
I remember it as if it was yesterday-
Crawling through the narrow corridors of my veins,
Filling my bloodstream,
Weighing down on the loneliness already wrapped around my
broken heart.
It followed my footsteps,
Swallowed my dreams.
It consumed me from the inside out.
I also remember crying.
Chest heaving,
Nose running,
Ragged throat kind of crying.
It became everything while I became nothing,
Diminished and tired and hollow.
It festered overtime like an open wound,
Infection spreading,
Life threatening.
You never truly understand something unless it has happened
to you.
I never thought that this would be me, but suddenly it was;
And nothing has ever hurt more.
You never understand something until it has happened to you.
Until you fall in love, the head over heels irreversible
kind.
Until you loved unconditionally.
Until you experience that temporary joy.
Until you watch him leave you after two years.
Until you watch him close his eyes and take his last breath.
Until he takes your heart with him.
So you dear no one,
Will never understand why I pulled the trigger and wasn’t
there to hear the silence that followed.
