So Real That It Hurt

I told him I'd treat him like a queen treats her king
And that I'd give him my any and everything
But then I guess he hated having someone that would treat him right
Because he turned around, walked out the door and said goodbye
I can't explain how broken I felt and trust me it wasn't his fault, I just wondered what was so wrong with me that everyone leaves.
Maybe it's the flesh on my hips or the cracks on my soul, or maybe it's the scars beneath my sleeves.
I don't know the reason and I probably never will
But some warning would be nice, a little note before my soul you kill
And please just remember that when you leave me you leave with a piece of my heart
Remember that I feel every bruise and every mark
So next time you ask, no I'm not okay
I'm just trying to get through everyday
But the pain can be so blinding, hiding what's left of me
The pain can be so toxic that it kills what's left of me.
The pain stops being just emotional and it leaks into my soul
It affects me and that's me as a whole
So that's why I can't trust you, that's why I'm kind of an introvert
It's because the pain was too much to handle, so real that it hurt.

Dear No One

Dear no one

I remember after he died that there was this horrible sort of emptiness.

The kind that belonged in the dark,

In the deepest depths of your personal abyss,

The kind you try and keep hidden away,

The kind that no one liked to admit they carry on their shoulders even when they’ve fallen to their knees.

I remember it as if it was yesterday-

Crawling through the narrow corridors of my veins,

Filling my bloodstream,

Weighing down on the loneliness already wrapped around my broken heart.

It followed my footsteps,

Swallowed my dreams.

It consumed me from the inside out.

I also remember crying.

Chest heaving,

 Nose running,

Ragged throat kind of crying.

It became everything while I became nothing,

Diminished and tired and hollow.

It festered overtime like an open wound,

Infection spreading,

Life threatening.

You never truly understand something unless it has happened to you.

I never thought that this would be me, but suddenly it was;

And nothing has ever hurt more.

You never understand something until it has happened to you.

Until you fall in love, the head over heels irreversible kind.

Until you loved unconditionally.

Until you experience that temporary joy.

Until you watch him leave you after two years.

Until you watch him close his eyes and take his last breath.

Until he takes your heart with him.

So you dear no one,

Will never understand why I pulled the trigger and wasn’t there to hear the silence that followed.

Me

Perfect's overrated, it's just not who I am.

I know I've never been one to follow the program.

You see, i have this non-conformance complex

A lion sleeps in my heart and a snake slumbers on my tongue.

I'm not easy to deal with, hard-headed, they say, but hey, I'm young.

I believe in earning respect.

I'm a bit random and maybe all over the place

I've always moved through the world at my own thunderous pace.

with a heart of gold, it's way too big if you ask me.

Getting hurt doesn't faze me, I'm too used to it by now

I'm not one to deal with beef, i'd rather give you the whole damn cow.

I am beyond mighty.

I am beyond definition, too bold to be subtle,

I've got a backbone of steel, not afraid to go into battle.

I am unique. I am Me.

Do me a favour

Do me a favour and stop telling me who to be.
Stop telling me how to live a life that was only given to me.
Don't chain me to your way of living, and stop reminding me that I'm not perfect.
People have reminded me of my faults way too many times in life,
they told me how I don't fit into the box that they label perfect and acceptable.
For once stop trying to make me someone I'm not.
I fit into my own star, I was never meant to be a square.
 I was meant to fly, not to walk on your road.
I was happy until people decided to make me think I wasn't perfect.
I love being me but if you keep squashing me under your boot then I might just let myself die.
You wouldn't want that kind of blood on your hands now, would you?
So do me a favour; leave me alone.
Let me be happy,
let me be free,
let me be imperfect,
let me be me...

Don't chain me to the cage you call life,
The most beautiful creatures are meant to roam free...

It's about time

It's about time

October greetings with the scent of the now blooming
Jacaranda trees. A gush of wind my only companion.
I let the water and pain and sorrow consume me and hide me
from the rest of the world. I submerge my pain under everyone
else's so that I almost become numb to it.
But what happens when they don't let me take on their world,
what happens when they don't let me carry their burden...
What happens when mine cannot be covered anymore,
when they come back and I feel the tears again.
I will try
hold my head up high, but cry myself to sleep,
I would try to hold it all together, but fall apart.
I can keep a smile on my face, but crack inside,
I could be happy, but can't let myself be.
It's about time I broke down my walls,
it's about time I opened my eyes,
it's about time I see that I am happy,
I just don't let it affect me. But now, I'm ecstatic.
I am filled with so much joy that I can't help but try to
spread it everywhere. Where my cup overflows I want
it to fill everybody else's.

broken hearted love

To compare thee to a summer's day, as warm and kind
your beauty so bright they say love is blind.

even though you broke my heart,
 you'll never fade from my sight
like a dove takes off in the morning light

a white lily burnt from sadness,
 raining down from my heart
we knew this love would end,
 right from the start.



Co-written by Earvin Beukes
St. Paul's college, Windhoek, Namibia
Gr . 8D

Sweet singing crow

The sun has gone down the stars are out,
the sweet singing crow sends me to sleep.
He dances on my grave and tramples my heart
till my soul is dead, my body his to keep,
tears of silver, tears of gold
sweetly singing my tears run cold.
I will a puppet be to his cold empty hand
twisting, wringing, sucking dry till I cant stand.
Pain, so loud and shouting and screaming,
till morning bitter dove's song wakes me from my dreaming.



Why does life hate me???

The perfect way to break your own heart

Have you ever really liked someone and just sat there hoping that they liked you back?
Well I have a problem far worse than that... I really like someone and I feel that they might like me too...We are same-same but different. They are leaving and my heart is already broken with the thought of losing them but I can't expect them to drop their whole life for me...I know that they have to leave, it's the way life goes....so I have to work at getting over them now before I corrupt them with my sadness and darkness, they have to be able to leave without having to look back.. So I'm working on something that could completely kill my soul, but I think I have to. And who knows maybe they never liked me anyway...but at least I can look at them and say they were one of the very best things that happened to me...
(V.S)

Hell....my world

Have you ever felt like it's the whole world against just you??? I look around and realize I'm the only one who actually notices how I am drowning. I'm so deep down, I can barely breathe and no-one will look closely enough underneath the surface to save me. I find myself paralyzed... every single muscle or bone in my body is fighting to resurface me but my heart is sinking me further and further down. most of my family and friends are on the other side of the surface making sure I don't make it back to the top without even knowing it. I'm reaching out to try and tell them but I seem to be the distant splashing of the waves crashing to them. My vision on my reasons to live becomes more of a blur with each painful moment of my existence. I'm not trusted, I'm too annoying, I'm too weird, demented... I'm everything evil and twisted and dark and ugly they can think of...Bullies may come or go but that pain lasts forever digging someone's grave more every time.... If  you are one of the few that can hear me....

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Don't stop at the surface...always dig a little deeper, dive a little further
I know what pain it could save....



October's leaves

October comes and sits on my porch
his deafening tone booming behind my door,
Blood of my heart dripping in his snow
The pain,now blind, is blind no more.
A skeleton, a skeleton Zues hath struck dead
his immortal stone crushing with dread
yet tall, unsteady cannot fall,
till u find me hiding behind the bedroom wall,

When his black lifeless hands shake my
dying trunk, October's leaves will fall
to the end of the bottomless bunk.
Once, like a diamond shrub, my leaves grow
until life catches up, his blackening crow.

Cliffs and Tunnels

I realised that i can be stupid.
I'm stupid now, I was stupid then.
I'd been hurt, lost parts of my heart,
I swore I wouldn't love again.

But look at me now,
I brought back the pain,
I wish i could find paradise,
I hate standing in the rain.

If everything about me is wrong
how can I find the right.
If I'm only darkness,
Is there any light?

Where is happiness, the rope to hold on to?
The hope that won't break when everything is gone.

Thorn bushes and roses

Most thorn bushes are painful to hold, painful to fall in, and  mostly ugly to look at...but think about it, if you could look past the thorns and hurt,pain and blood, you find the most beautiful roses.

Some roses bloom, smell nice, and are even so silky soft...but think about it, if you look past the luscious  large, fragrant roses you find some of the sharpest and most painful thorns.
Then there are the exeptions...thorn bushes inside and out...roses inside and out...

WHICH ONE ARE YOU????????

My friends are roses inside and out...If someone messes with them then they'll have a problem with me. I am a thorn bush, holding back roses, waiting to find the right person who will look past my pain, my hurt, my blood, my appearance, someone who will try atleast to find the roses by  accepting the thorns...if i can't find that someone...then my life is incomplete...then I'm not human....
I'M A THORN BUSH, HOLDING BACK ROSES....ALL OF THAT MAKES ME....ME....If you can't accept that then you're missing out on the true meaning of LOVE.

Are we really that different????

When you lose love, you don't lose hope....

I know that its painful when you lose love, but hope never leaves your side. You can try and chase it away but it'll just slink behind you. Life is meant to have love, you lose some, you  gain some, either way hope will stay by your side.....through thick and thin.......through tall and short......it might not be pretty but hope will always be there.....when you lose love you will have your family and your friends and the people you trust but you will always have hope

When you lose love......you never lose hope
Hope will show you the way.

a heart frozen is a heart broken

I am the definition of sorrow,
I am hard and hollow.
emptiness surrounds my thoughts,
my deed, my life.
wouldn't it just be easier if i pick up the knife?
but something holds me back, it says stop,
things can get better, you just need hope
H=Hearts that are broken are healed
O=Open wounds rubbed with salt are bandaged
P=People crying are comforted and stop
E=Every soul has a mate, is not lonely
has no hate, needs time, will find its place.

keep close to your heart those who care

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”, that's a quote i found and i really want you to think about who are the people that break those walls down. Those are the people you should keep close to your heart. “There’s no need to miss someone from your past- There’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future”. Keep that in mind the next time you like someone who you know you will probably only be a friend to or someone who you may never see again. “There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”. Your heart can be your weakness so don't just let anyone in. choose wisely. Rejection and no attention is the base of a low self esteem and that is the base of depression or suicide.                           

Only those who you want to hold close to your heart should have the key

New beginning

Have you ever looked around and wondered why you couldn't be anyone else in the room? Well if you have, welcome to my life. I'm the person who acts like nothing's wrong . The person that wishes for death. the person who contemplates suicide. I'm the person who looks in the mirror and questions the person standing there looking at me. The person who can't heal the heartbreak. the person who loves easily. the person that constantly regrets mistakes made over 2 years ago. I'm starting this blog to help people who have the same situation but still have hope. It's too late for me, I'm way past depression and low self esteem. You guys are like half dead flowers that need a little care and attention and a lot of water. You need to think towards the future and not your past, it'll ruin you. So if you hear me loud and clear, I want you to try something. Through out a whole week keep a piece of paper and pen, pretty much anything you can make notes on and write down every bad thought that you think about yourself. Also write the good thoughts. It all counts. If the good out does the bad then you can have a life. If it's the other way round, me and my blog are ready to help you find yourself again....g2g but not forever.